Moving on After Infidelity – How do you get past an affair?
29 Aug 2020
Learning of a partner’s betrayal can be devastating. Trust is broken and it may be a difficult decision to decide whether to stay in the relationship or move on. If you decide to stay with someone who has been unfaithful it can be challenging to move forward. Here are some tips to move forward if staying in a relationship after an affair or if ending it.
How do I stay with a spouse who’s cheated?
- Tell your Partner what you Need
Moving forward in the relationship and working past the infidelity has to be a joint decision. If you decide to stay with a partner who has cheated on you and they agree to end the affair and not to cheat again, communicate what you need from them to rebuild trust. This might mean checking in with you more often, calling when they arrive somewhere, and agreeing to marriage counselling. Whatever it is, if your partner can’t agree to it then maybe they are not as committed to staying in the relationship as you are.
- Seek out a Support System
Having someone to talk to about your feelings regarding the affair and your hurt who isn’t your partner can help. There will come a time when you need to talk about something else with your partner in order to move forward. That underlying tension may still be there and it can help to have a friend, support group, or counsellor who will allow you to air your grievances and help you make decisions on how to proceed. And if down the road you ultimately decide to end the relationship having a support group in place is extremely important to avoid self-isolation and loneliness.
- Take time to think about what you want to happen next
Once you have established the facts, if your partner resolves to end the affair and re-commit to your relationship, be slow to judge. You’ll need to reflect on whether you’re able to forgive the breach of trust and you may not yet have all the information with which to make that decision. Only after talking and establishing the reasons for the affair, will you be able to decide. You can commit to working with your partner and to try to understand why this has happened but don’t make any promises. Taking things day by day without the pressure of having to decide where you’ll be in six months can help. At this point, you may find it helpful to talk to a relationship counsellor who can work with you both to determine your next steps.
How do I move on after ending my marriage?
If you can’t get past infidelity and know you want to end the relationship, here are some things that can help according to an article in the Huffington Post.
- Accept that the marriage is over once a decision is reached
Once you’ve made the decision to end the marriage or relationship, commit yourself to leaving. According to marriage therapist Caroline Madden, that means figuring out the logistics of divorce- (Where are you going to stay? Should you retain a lawyer or is mediation your best bet?) and also coming to terms with the finality of your decision.
- Stop wasting your energy hating the affair partner
Anger has it’s time and place but after you’ve made the decision to end your relationship at some point according to Madden, you’ll need to curb your anger. Though your ex was the one who didn’t keep your marriage vows, and are to blame for stepping out, an affair means the relationship wasn’t working as it was and may have ended anyway. Spending your energy hating your partner may prevent you from moving on with your life and having some new experiences that don’t include them.
- Don’t compare yourself to the other woman/man
Even if you are in better shape, better looking, more successful and the most charitable person on the planet, drawing comparisons to the person your partner cheated with will only end up hurting you in the end. If you feel inadequate it will only add to the fuel of existing insecurities and if you feel you have better qualities than them, you will still question why you weren’t enough- leading to more hurt and confusion.
- Don’t play the victim
Telling yourself and others continually how you’ve been wronged relinquishes your power. The only thing you can control in a bad situation is how it will affect you. Will it make you stronger? Will it make you more determined? Will it make you hate the opposite sex for good? You didn’t deserve to be cheated on but bad things happen to good people all the time. True friends will have your back when you need to vent but after a while, even they will want you to move on. People don’t want to hear about how someone betrayed you forever. This is especially true once you’re ready to start dating again. f you’re ever going to move on, you need to stop thinking of the affair as an injustice, says Tracy Schorn, the author of: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.
How Premiere Investigations Can Help
Hopefully some of these tips will help you move on after an affair. Discovering infidelity is not an easy thing to get past. If, you suspect your spouse is cheating on you but aren’t sure, then check your intuition. If you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right ask yourself why. Then if you need to set your worries to rest or find evidence of an affair our surveillance team and Infidelity Division team can either put your mind at ease or confirm your suspicions. We act with the utmost discretion and respect in all areas of investigation. Contact us to learn more.